THE CHAINSAW FELLOWSHIP BY ADRIAN PLASS

By Adrian Plass

DEAR READERS, I am strongly moved to take advantage of a half-hour break in a meeting that is being held in my home, to introduce all of you, and particularly those with church connections, to some of the people who are gathered in my sitting room at this very moment.

The meeting consists of representatives from a variety of oppressed Christian minorities, suffering brothers and sisters of yours and mine who have been dealt with very roughly by the wider church, and I just know that your hearts, dear readers of Ship of Fools, will go out to them in love and sympathy.

I cannot be away for too lengthy a period, as some of these minority representatives are likely to exercise their proclivities rather indiscriminately on each other, if you see what I mean.

You don't see what I mean? Ah, well, let me explain.

SITTING SIDE BY SIDE on the floor by the piano, for instance, are Phil and Bob, who run a helpline for those who see disembowelling as a natural and essential part of any intimate relationship. Some of us were in tears just now as we heard about the crass way in which these two fine young men were more or less rejected by their local church when they dared to suggest that the forcible removal of internal organs should become a regular feature of Sunday worship.

'The thing is,' said Bob, 'a lot of people have got a very blinkered and old-fashioned idea of what disembowelling is all about. We're not rushing wildly around with knives from morning to night, are we, Phil?'

As we all laughed at this absurd caricature, Phil's good-natured face broke into an infectious grin.' Good heavens, no,' he chuckled, 'we're not monsters, you know. We just think that if the need to disembowel and be disembowelled is part of the way we've been created, then there should be some recognition of that by the body of the church, and an opportunity on Sundays to express ourselves at least as openly as everyone else.'

At this point, a member of the group rather insensitively put forward a suggestion that disembowelling was a grotesque and appalling practice that invariably resulted in a lengthy and agonising death, and might therefore be outside the will of God.

It was good to see how patiently Bob and Phil handled this, but the pain in their eyes told its own story of similar hurts in the past, and our hearts went out to them — metaphorically.

'Look,' said Bob, 'we're the same as everyone else, right? We go to work, go to the supermarket, watch television — all the things that ordinary people do. The only real difference is that in order for us to feel fulfilled on the deepest level, we like to cut open abdominal cavities and drag out the contents. It really is as simple as that, and if anyone can find anywhere in the New Testament where Jesus in any way specifically condemns that kind of behaviour, well, I'd just like them to show me where it is.'

'And if he doesn't condemn it,' added Phil quietly, 'it's hard to see why anyone else should.'

SOMETHING IN THE calm dignity of these responses precluded further comment or criticism, and our attention turned to a reserved but pleasant looking lady called June, who had been listening interestedly from a stool on the other side of the room.

'It's really encouraged me to hear what Phil and Bob are saying,' she began shyly, 'because I've been trying to introduce human sacrifice as a regular activity at church weekends, and so far I've met nothing but opposition from the leadership.'

'What exactly is their problem?' asked somebody wonderingly.

June spread her arms wide and shook her head.' That's exactly what I'd like to know!' She exclaimed.' Apart from the personal outlet that it provides for me, I've tried to point out again and again what a good group activity it would be for people who don't always know each other very well.'

June's eyes shone with the bright light of the enthusiast as she warmed to her subject.' You break up into groups, you see, and each group has a different job. One lot gets sent off to collect dry paper and firewood, another sorts out a good strong stake and some rope and matches and that sort of thing, and the rest do sausages on sticks, and jugs of squash and sandwiches and whatnot to have round the pyre when it really gets going.'

This happy picture of bright and busy mutual involvement was greeted by expressions of interest and nods of approval from most of us, but the same troubled person who had already carped at disembowelling seemed to feel it necessary to throw cold water over this idea as well.

'How do you choose which person is going to be sacrificed?'

This was met by little gasps and sighs of incredulity and a general shaking of heads from the rest of us, but June held her ground well.

'Nobody who doesn't actually want to be burnt alive should have any pressure put on them, 'she declared firmly.' That would be quite wrong, and, in my view, quite unnecessary. Church people do tend to be a little wary about trying out new things, as we all know, but I think once they've understood what it was all about, there'd be no lack of volunteers.'

'I sometimes can't believe,' added June, her eyes suddenly filled with unshed tears, 'that people like Phil and Bob and me, whose only crime is to look for fulfilment through things like disembowelling and human sacrifice, are so marginalized by the church. Why are people so frightened by the needs of others?'

WE ALL SAT in silence for a moment, filled with unspoken sympathy as we pondered this seemingly unanswerable question. The silence was broken eventually by an elderly lady dressed in a rubber suit and carrying a spiked metal ball on the end of a chain.

'I suppose,' she said tentatively, 'that something like sado-masochism, which in itself is obviously morally neutral, tends to be given a bad name by a small number of irresponsible people who use it for their own selfish ends.'

She sighed deeply, gazing into the distance as she went on.' In the old days, you know, it was different. We used to have our own rack at home when father was alive, and on special occasions, we'd pull it out and put an aunt on it — it was usually an aunt, I seem to remember — and, you know, we'd all have a turn at the handle. It was such fun. A much greater sense of the extended family.'

She giggled at her own little joke. 'Nowadays, if you bring, say, a thumbscrew into a prayer meeting, everyone backs away and gets all sniffy. Church, generally, was so much better in the old days in every way. The traditional hymns were lovely, and we didn't get all muddled up, confusing what we believed with the way we lived.'

After that, the floodgates were opened. A small, round, balding man who had said nothing until now, sliced the air with scything gestures as he described a lifetime of survival at church in the face of outright disapproval of his deeply felt decapitational needs. Asked if he had ever found a partner, the little man held his head in both hands and shook it miserably from side to side. Most congregations are a long way from regarding mutual decapitation between consenting adults as an acceptable norm.

So much unhappiness! An athletic looking young lady painted a vivid picture for us of what it meant to battle the widespread taboo against jumping out at people in the dark, lonely places with a portable, battery-operated chainsaw... a middle-aged banker talked with pride of the stable, monogamous relationship that he has enjoyed for twenty years with a fellow-arsonist... and we heard from a small group of professional men and women who are in the process of establishing an information and exchange service for those who describe their future lives as 'meaningless without access to napalm' — all folk whom the church has heartlessly rejected for the flimsiest of reasons.

I MUST STOP writing and go back to them now, but I do ask you, dear readers, to consider the fact that these poor folk are as much a part of the church as you and I. We've come such a long way in broadening our attitudes. Let's not stop now.

Thank goodness we live in such increasingly enlightened times! Do you not agree that the spirit of tolerance abroad in the church at present indicates a strong chance that the so-called peculiarities of these persecuted ones will very soon become a normal part of everyday church life?

And isn't that what we all want?

END