If the Church of England Committed Suicide, Would Anybody Really Miss It?

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD I www.virtueonline.org I September 23, 2026

A bill passed through Parliament the other day rejecting the notion that assisted suicide is a good thing. A couple of backbenchers, it seems, still fear the judgment of God. But a great many politicians — and no small number of the Lords Spiritual — were quietly in favor, having long since run out of spiritual steam and finding little value in their own continued existence.

There is, after all, only so much port a man can consume before the Book of Common Prayer glazes over before his very eyes.

“I never understood a word Rowan Williams said,” the Rt. Rev. Julius Snodgrass opined to this reporter over tea. “Justin Welby turned out to be a completely useless twit. And now we have this Mullifont woman — sorry, Mullally. Her name sounds like a ukulele player busking on Tower Bridge.”

He warmed to his theme.

“The woman can’t tell a burka from a hijab, yet she’ll lecture the entire nation on inclusion. She hands out placemats of congratulation to imams who’ll show her the door the moment they’ve the numbers to do it — and she knows more about hemorrhoids than she does about divine healing. Where in God’s name do we find these people?”

“And they all loathe Israel — a country most of them couldn’t find on a map. Ask the average bishop and he’ll tell you the West Bank is a gentle slope down to the Thames, where the young go to fornicate and drink beer.”

He gestured vaguely toward the window.

“Our cathedrals now host raves in the naves that even the tourists won’t attend. Canterbury — Canterbury! — has swapped evensong for a nightclub, run by a chapter that couldn’t define heresy at gunpoint. What in heaven’s name is the church coming to?”

“I have a bill of my own,” he went on, refilling his glass. “Take the billions the church is sitting on and hand the lot to the Africans. They know how to grow a church. They still hold to a few old-fashioned notions — sin, for one, a word I’ve not heard from a CofE pulpit in twenty years. They make converts by the day. Some are even willing to die for the faith. Show me one bishop on this bench who’d die for what he or she believes. I’ll wait.”

“As a test of faith, I propose we line the deans along the Embankment and push them into the river. Whoever reaches the far side keeps his living. The rest we bury in the orchard at Lambeth. The apples will be the better for it — and at least, for once, there’ll be no woman about to take a bite.”

He drained his cup and stared out at the grey afternoon.

“The truth, dear boy, is that we needn’t debate assisted suicide at all. The Church of England saw to its own years ago — quietly, tastefully, over sherry — and simply forgot to tell the congregation. The corpse is still nicely dressed. The bells still ring. The Synod still meets to pass motions no one will read. We are, in every way that matters, already dead.”

He reached again for the pot.

“And that answers your question. If the old girl finally slipped away in her sleep, would anyone truly miss her? Ring round and ask. You’ll find the line’s been disconnected for some time.”

David W. Virtue, DD, is founder and managing editor of VirtueOnline. His writings can be found at www.virtueonline.org, where you can subscribe to receive his free biweekly VIEWPOINTS. His Substack on the Middle East is at davidvirtue2.substack.com.

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