GAY MARRIAGE: THE TRAIN HAS LEFT THE STATION

By Alan Jones

The culture wars are now concentrating on the polarizing issue of "gay marriage" and we're all caught up in it. The President has declared his support to amend the Constitution specifically to exclude gay people. For some, gay marriage rocks the very foundations of our culture and way of life. The question not only of gay marriage but even gay rights has already become one of the wedge issues of the upcoming presidential election. It has also become the occasion of opportunistic polarization and protest. Meanwhile thousands of gay couples with their families and friends have gone to City Hall to be married.

The leadership of Grace Cathedral unanimously supports gay couples and their families. At the same time, we acknowledge this is a significant and historical departure from tradition. We take very seriously some people's misgivings. Breaking the law is no small matter. But what's done is done. Meanwhile, our concern and conviction is that the time is long overdue for gay and lesbian people to have the support and protection of the law for their faithful relationships and for their families. It is time for the United States to look honestly at the actual state of the American family and to give social, legal and spiritual support to all those who seek stable and caring relationships.

Some years ago I was interviewed for BBC television about the AIDS crisis. I was asked two questions. The first was, "Does Grace Cathedral tolerate gay people?" The second was, "Do you believe in the wrath of God?" The interviewer was surprised when I answered "No!" to the first question and "Yes!" to the second. Grace Cathedral does not tolerate gay people. We embrace them. They are us. As for God's anger, I believe it's reserved for the frozen and closed hearted. So, it should come as no surprise that the cathedral is clear in its support of gay people, and we are in favor of blessing the covenants between same sex couples.

We are also an institution committed to conversation. Our slogan is "Reconnect your spirit without disconnecting your mind." There's a wide spectrum of opinion in the cathedral leadership as how best to support gay people. For example, some of us are more comfortable with the word "marriage" than others. If I am asked by the media, "Are you in favor of gay marriage?" I say "Yes". Because of the culture's addiction to polarization, we are forced to take sides. I would have preferred to work for another word, and I regret that our society doesn't allow for serious debate and nuanced discussion. My friends and colleagues tell me that this isn't where the battle is, and besides (as the person closest to me says) "the train has already left the station". I would like to believe that we could have something that was "separate but equal," but history teaches us that separate never means equal.

The word "marriage" means many things, but the bottom line has to do with simple justice in affording rights and protections for all our citizens. People who invoked the "long history of marriage" don't know either their history or their Bible. Marriage, as an institution, has had a checkered history and its trivialization and banalization (thank you Britney!) makes the waters even muddier.

Where are we now? We at Grace Cathedral are not yet ready to "marry" a gay couple. The Episcopal Church (and the whole Anglican Communion) is in the middle of a great struggle with the issue. The cathedral does, however, on occasion bless same sex unions. In fact we had a wonderful celebration recently of a couple who are long-time members of the cathedral and have been together for over twenty years. They went to City Hall first and had their relationship blessed at the cathedral right afterwards. It was a joyful occasion. I wish the president and the governor could have been there. The world did not fall apart.

What makes things confusing is that in this country ministers of religion act as functionaries of the state (unlike in France for example where the legal ceremony is secular usually performed in the Town Hall. The couple then go, if they so wish, to a place of worship for a blessing.) Some of us would prefer not to be officers of the state. Let people get married at City Hall and be free to go to the church, synagogue, temple of their choice for whatever support and blessing their tradition provides. Meanwhile, any couple (straight or gay) seeking a blessing at the Cathedral must go through interview and counseling procedures before we may consent to blessing their relationship. Stay tuned: the culture is very confused, and we are all feeling our way. We are, however, unequivocal in supporting gay couples and their families. For us, the issue has a human face. Gays and lesbians are our friends and colleagues. And like our heterosexual friends and colleagues, they support families and struggle to have loving relationships. It's time to honor and celebrate all those who seek to strengthen the human family.

Alan Jones is Dean of Grace Cathedral in San Francisco, California