Episcopal Church Holds Revival — Nobody Came

A satirical essay

By David W. Virtue, DD www.virtueonline.org  October 14, 2026

The Rt. Rev. Wilbert Smitherspoon, Bishop of the Diocese of Lower Wokefield, has ordered his priests to hold a revival at the local arena, a 12,000-seat venue more accustomed to monster-truck rallies and the Shriners' circus.

"With all the woke causes we embrace, I thought it would be good to have a little change," the bishop told VOL. "Not too much change, mind you. We're Episcopalians."

The idea did not originate with the bishop. It came, as most good ideas in the Episcopal Church now do, from a 90-year-old widow with a checkbook.

Mrs. Gladys Pipkin, who describes herself as "a real pip," wrote to her rector, the Rev. Oliver Finknottle, to say she was tired of hearing about the inclusion of homosexuals in the church "because they never come anyway," and that she hoped to hear a sermon from the Bible before she died.

"As she is a big giver, I felt the need to honor her request," Finknottle said. "We have a pledge-to-pew ratio to think about."

"Is it too much to ask for a sermon on the Resurrection instead of another one on sexuality?" Mrs. Pipkin told VOL. "At my age I'm a good deal more interested in the Second Coming than in anybody's first. I haven't heard the Bible preached in years. Is Abraham still in it? Somebody told me he'd been replaced by a land acknowledgment."

She said she once asked her rector about Noah's flood. "He laughed and said it was a myth to explain mortality and had nothing to do with judging a sinful world, since judgment isn't in harmony with an all-loving, all-inclusive, diverse God who had only briefly taken sides."

Fr. Finknottle further explained that God's covenant with Israel was "an early experiment in exclusivity that the Almighty has since grown out of, rather the way a teenager outgrows a garage band."

"The marvelous thing about being an Episcopalian," the rector added, "is that we have kept up with the times, and you can believe almost anything. Or nothing. We don't police that. We have jettisoned the atonement, rejected hell completely, and made feeling good about yourself the church's top priority. The most important thing is to believe in yourself — and try to stay out of Title IV handcuffs."

The Big Night

The revival was billed as "Awakening: A Gentle Invitation to Consider the Possibility of Something." Diocesan staff printed 12,000 programs on recycled hemp paper.

Twenty-three people came. They included two ushers, a liturgical dancer, the diocesan canon for creation care, this reporter, Mrs. Pipkin, and a man in a John Deere cap who had come for the monster trucks and stayed because the coffee was free.

The praise band opened with "Kumbaya" in 5/4 time, followed by a hymn from the 1982 Hymnal with the pronouns updated for the third time since 2015. A Native American blessing was offered by a retired dental hygienist from Connecticut.

The Rev. Canon Persimmon Hallowell-Blythe then preached on the text "God is still speaking," which she noted is not technically in the Bible "but should be." Her sermon lasted 14 minutes and mentioned sin once, in reference to plastic straws.

At the close came the altar call and the praise band was playing ‘Just as I am,’ "Is there anyone here tonight," the canon asked softly, "who would like to come forward and affirm themselves?"

Nobody came. The man in the John Deere cap asked if the trucks were still on for Saturday.

The Aftermath

Bishop Smitherspoon pronounced the evening a triumph. "Twenty-three people is more than the average Sunday attendance of four of our parishes combined," he said. "By Episcopal standards, this was Pentecost."

The diocese has appointed a task force to study why so few attended. Preliminary findings point to the arena's insufficient accessibility, the lingering effects of colonialism, and a failure to advertise on TikTok. The possibility that people might have stayed home because there was nothing to come for was ruled out of scope.

A second revival is planned for spring, to be held in a smaller venue — the bishop's living room.

As for Mrs. Pipkin, she went home with a tote bag, a rainbow lanyard, and a coupon for a free Enneagram session.

"I came for the Gospel," she said, "and they gave me a gift bag. At least the Shriners give you a clown."

David W. Virtue, DD suffers from depression and writes these occasional satirical pieces to alleviate the pain as he watches The Episcopal Church self-destruct. His biggest fear is living long enough to see the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York become a very expensive condo development.