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Screwtape Proposes an Episcopal Toast

Screwtape Proposes an Episcopal Toast

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
March 31, 2017

My dear Wormwood,

We were shocked to read that the Bishop of Washington, a regular bubble brain, that we had turned to our purposes years ago was actually holding an ALPHA course in the National Cathedral. The High Council was livid when they heard the news. Several devils blew their stack. Bishop Marianne Budde is truly ours and this deviation is totally unacceptable. Our Father was not amused when he heard the news. Do you have any idea what could happen if something like this should catch fire?

Out of sheer desperation, these Episcopal bishops, who are watching as their dioceses sink into the sunset, might just go for something like this. Alpha, a course on salvation, for hell’s sake...this could ruin everything!

Bishop Michael Curry’s Jesus Movement is as faux as a knock-off Rolex watch. It's not real evangelism at all. Our Father below made sure that it would be a counterfeit evangelism, parroting the real thing but missing the mark with no real call for repentance and faith in Him. We made sure that the presiding bishop’s being black would be the real issue coupled with white privilege…a form of inverted narcissism. It is really being all about him and not about Him.

Our Father, the master tactician, brilliantly allows a distorted image to mirror the real thing.

This, of course, is the genius of evil; it can masquerade as light appearing as an angel at times, when in fact darkness lurks at the edges waiting to pounce and swallow up the vulnerable and lost.

With just a small handful of holdouts the whole Episcopal House of Bishops is effectively now ours and what a house of cards it is. They have fallen for the oldest trick in the book, 'ye shall be as gods' without knowing good from evil. They have embraced the unembraceable and in doing so embraced us.

The culture wars are almost over - and we have won. The mainline Protestant denominations have nearly all rolled over on sodomy and homosexual marriage and now this transgendered nonsense. It is quite possibly the best public relations coup by pansexualists in modern history. We are even making inroads into the Roman Catholic Church, something we never thought possible. The thin end of the wedge was the sexual abuse of young men by sodomite priests. We carefully labeled it pedophilia to put straights off the scent, but one or two activist laymen have caught on much to our annoyance.

But the language of inclusion, diversity, generous orthodoxy and now “radical inclusion” by the Archbishop of Canterbury, is a throw-back to that Griswold fellow who ran The Episcopal Church for eight years, was indeed sweet music to our Father below ears.

We first thought Welby would be a hard nut to crack as he claimed to be an evangelical, but we turned out to be gayly wrong. As it happened he was an easy mark, and roll over he did. These poor foolish bishops lack serious theological training, are doctrinally light and become easy knockoffs over time as the culture changes…they just change with it. Even the Southern Baptist Convention leaders now admit their own people don't have enough bible or history in them to resist the temptations of the world, the flesh and us. Postmodernism is our victory roll.

This Mohler fellow said evangelicals are too tied to this "particular moment in history" to find timeless roots. He is right, of course. And then he said this, "I do not believe evangelicalism has sufficient resources for a thick enough Christianity to survive either this epoch or much beyond.” Precisely our point, Wormwood, and you must see that people spend their waking hours twittering and tweeting, texting and gaming. Keep them from thinking about their souls and their eternal destiny. Fritter and twitter Wormwood, fritter and twitter.

The open embrace of sin as righteousness is our ultimate goal; the complete turning of evil on its head and presenting it as truth is our victory roll. The next big push for our junior devils who are even now hard at work, is Africa and China. Our Father below was mortified to learn that China now had over 100 million Christians! Remember that persecution does not play well. It is a two-way street. We imprison, maim and kill and they become martyrs and more become Christians.

Let the goal be materialism and the good life…the pursuit of happiness for its own sake.

We have managed to persuade the political elite to eat their young by not biologically reproducing and spiritual reproduction is also at an all-time low. Our Father applauds your efforts, but remember things can turn on a dime. The opposition always has a card or two up His sleeves and this Budde incident could easily flower into something dangerously like revival, a foul word that gives our Father heartburn.

See that it does not recur.

I remain your affectionate uncle,


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