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My Interview to be the Next Bishop of Muddy Waters, West Virginia

My Interview to be the Next Bishop of Muddy Waters, West Virginia

A moderately satirical essay

By David Virtue, DD
December 20, 2017

PANEL: Before we even consider you for bishop Dr. Virtue we need to vet you for your views.

VOL: I wouldn't have it any other way.

PANEL: What do you think of women?

VOL: I rather like them. I have been married to one for over 30 years and as far as I can make she is still speaking to me.

PANEL: What about your views of women in ministry?

VOL: I'm for women deacons but no higher in the pecking order. I do believe women deacons should wear their cassocks right down to the ground, you have no idea what a well-turned ankle can do to excite lust in my heart.

PANEL: Excellent response. What about your views on gays.

VOL: Know a few, like a few and my brother-in-law was happy.

PANEL: We mean Gay....

VOL: ...gay meaning homosexual? Got it.

PANEL: Do you think non-celibate gays should be ordained?

VOL: Absolutely not. The Bible expressly forbids it in seven places. Sexuality is viewed as a creation ordinance, that cannot be changed, however hard people try.

PANEL: What was the name of that book again?

VOL: The Bible.

PANEL: Of course. So, you are not inclusive then?

VOL: That all depends on what you mean by the word "inclusive". The Bible never includes sinful sexual behavior as an option. The only sex it recognizes is sex between a man and a woman in marriage. No options or alternatives.

PANEL: Isn't that rather narrow?

VOL: Jesus said, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter." I'm with the few not the many.

PANEL: What are your views on diversity.

VOL: If it means tolerance for people of different backgrounds, ethnic diversity, the acceptance of multiple ethnic cultures and cultural diversity, respect of different cultures and interculturality, then yes. It cannot mean diversity in sexual terms. I also think it applies to flower arrangements.

PANEL What is your view on "good disagreement" advocated by the Archbishop of Canterbury?

VOL: That's like pouring arsenic onto an ice cream cone in the hope that you'll like it.

PANEL: What is your view of the Church embracing transgendered priests?

VOL: I would become a dispensationalist and believe the end is nigh.

PANEL: What is your take on the Presiding Bishops' "Jesus Movement"?

VOL: I had no idea Jesus had moved. I thought he was "the same, yesterday, today and forever."

PANEL: How would you define your episcopacy should you be elected?

VOL: First of all, I would throw out all practicing sodomites. Engaging in unhealthy and life-threatening sex is a sin and not an option. Repentance is called for. I would reinforce gospel proclamation. Demand that priests actually read the Bible and pray every day. Get priests to start talking about sin and salvation and advocate against racism once a year. Dump White Privilege talk and preach up discipleship and what it REALLY means to follow Jesus. Also live more simply. Stop buying stuff you don't need. Give more to charities that genuinely help people and charge priests to get involved in at least one ministry outside their church.

PANEL: Excellent. We will recommend you for Bishop of Muddy Waters, West Virginia.

VOL: But there is no such see!

PANEL: That's why we are recommending you.


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