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St. Mary's Cathedral, Glasgow - A Satirical Essay

St. Mary's Cathedral, Glasgow
open, inclusive, welcoming

A Satirical Essay

By Koranic Kelv
January 15, 2017

Hi, Koranic Kelv again, from the Provost's Office at Glasgow Cathedral.

In the midst of all the international hue and cry about our Islamic Eucharist for
Epiphany, I have to say that I have found peace in the storm, the perfect peace of the
disciples as they slept at Gethsemane, and of Jonah deep below in the boat. I saw divine
kindness in the actions of our wonderful police who promised to lock up all the hateful
people who disagree with me. Nothing speaks of God's love more than reporting those
who say things you don't like. I choose love (and throw away the key).

Of course we know that the controversy over the reading at our Islamic Eucharist has
nothing to do with something as trivial and minor as Christ's divinity. The real reason is
me - it's all about me, and the fact I am gay. Or possibly that the lector was female. Had
the service been led by a heterosexual cleric and the Qur'an read by a man, there would
not have been a single word of protest, not a cheep. No-one would have concerned
themselves about it at all. It's shocking that there are so many homophobes who
protested without even knowing that I was gay in the first place. That surely
demonstrates how hateful and bigoted they are.

There is wonderful work to be done in reconciling all the nice people of whatever faith
and I intend to continue it. I cannot believe that moderate churches in the West should
follow a policy of appeasement towards those who are Islamophobic. No, my policy of
appeasement is in quite a different direction.

2017 is to be a year of celebration and discovery. Having invited our Muslim friends to
celebrate Epiphany with an appropriate reading from their holy book, I am announcing
that we shall be joined by various faith and communiy groups for our major festivals this
year.

The proposed programme is as follows:

Lent:​ the joy of self-denial - a series of Lenten addresses by Pastor Buck Claimitt of the
Full Prosperity Mega Church

Good Friday:​ a reflection on pain and suffering - led by members of the Christian
Science Church

Easter:​ celebrating the Reincarnation with the Hindu community

Ascension Day:​ The ascended Lord, what he did next.
Some exciting stories from the Book of Mormon, told by the Church of the Latter Day
Saints

Pentecost:​ Being open to the Spirit

Meditation with local Buddhists

Trinity Sunday:​ A special teaching day at the Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah's Witnesses
Advent talks​ on the four last things - death, judgement, heaven and hell
We are especially grateful to the National Secular Society for providing the speakers
Joy to the world, the Lord has come.​ Christmas thoughts from our local rabbi.
We do hope you can join us. If you have suggestions for improvements, please ring the
special hotline on 101, stating your name, address and the fact that you have committed
a hate crime.

And may your God go with you.

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