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With apologies to C.S. Lewis

By David W. Virtue
January 1, 2013

My Dear Wormwood,

2012. What a year. Once again Americans confused license with freedom and their gadarene slide towards us continues at even greater speed. The president now says he believes in Gay marriage, with the whole LGBTQI agenda being pushed in every state and promoted in nearly all the major Protestant denominations is sweet music to our Father's ears. Make sure the gay Washington lobbies have pots of money to keep the political pressure on.

We note, with interest, the arrival here this past week of Bishop Jane Holmes Dixon of Washington, DC. What a piece of work she is. She did incredible damage to the orthodox cause in the Diocese of Washington following the venal reign of Ronald Haines who is also with us. (He never allowed one straight white male priest to find a parish in his diocese...only women and gays were welcome). Now that she is here, we are showing her the damage she wrought on our behalf. She spends most of her time in tears, unable to fathom how and why she is with us in Hell and not on the other side. We play the tapes of her life as a bishop right down to the ugly glares she gave humble servants of Him, the money spent on lawsuits, and her beating up of one lonely g-d-fearing priest. She is made to watch it on a repeated loop so it sinks in that she was always our servant and not the servant of Him. The revelations have knocked her for a loop. Our father quietly gloats as he anticipates the arrival of more Episcopal bishops in the days ahead.

But, on to business. We were shocked to learn that Rowan Williams' replacement is an evangelical cut from the ALPHA, Carey, and Coggan mold. This is a disastrous turn of events. That the Queen gave ol' Rowan a life peerage and that he will henceforth be known as Baron Williams of Oystermouth had our father in stitches. OYSTERMOUTH for Hell's sake. Our Father hates it when the British outdo themselves with their dark irony and sardonic humor. What a black pearl Williams turned out to be.

This Welby fellow, however, poses a serious threat to our final takeover and co-opting of Western Anglicanism. We almost had it in the bag with the Church of England. Endless talk of social justice, women bishops, and sodomy...it was all moving in our direction when then this geeky looking oil executive comes along and says he actually believes in HIM. Our Father was apoplectic and was heard to rage around hell, so much so that even his closest minions quivered and quaked for days. Now he has calmed down a bit and is working on a new strategy to undermine Welby. There are some here who are saying we overplayed our hand. If so, we must work harder to change that.

I see that Canadian archbishop fellow Hiltz came a calling and demanded that Welby not recognize Duncan and the ACNA. An excellent move, Wormwood. Make sure Hiltz holds Welby's feet to the fire. There must be no capitulation; we are almost there. And make sure Welby accepts another invitation from Jefferts Schori to meet with her House of Bishops. Those are defining moments. Clubbiness is what it is all about, not truth. Keep Welby FEELING good about these American bishops. Make sure he sips wine with Glasspool and Robinson over cheese and crackers. Make it caviar, if necessary. Under no circumstances must he be allowed to see or hear about TEC's dark side of dwindling parishes, plummeting incomes, and all the millions being spent on lawsuits for properties.

Let the HOB have meaningless discussions about homoousios and homoiousios. Let them chatter on about "of one substance" or "same essence." Just make sure they come back to the homo bit and the vacuous smiley face of Gene. That man can tip toe his way through a gay bathhouse wearing a rainbow miter while handing out condoms and Gay TEC Bibles with all the sincerity of a dog in heat.

Of course, our best recourse is the American presiding bishop herself. What an absolute gem she has turned out to be. She doesn't even pretend to believe in the deity of Him or his bodily resurrection. Even our Father below believes in that and trembles. I doubt we could have created a facsimile of a woman like her. Use her, Wormwood, as she is our best and perhaps last resort in undermining the whole of Western Anglicanism with all her sublime talk of Millennium Development Goals and the Five Marks of Mission. Under no circumstances must she talk about HIM as Lord and Savior or sin and salvation. Such words (easily found on the lips of Welby) must immediately be squashed.

The irony was not lost on our Father when the Diocese of Pennsylvania, with the help of the National Church, managed to unload Bishop Charles E. Bennison. It turned out he was even too much for the Church liberals to keep on so they got rid of him. The liberals at GC2012 rammed through a canon that was able to get rid of one of their own...irony indeed. Bennison will be heartily welcomed when he arrives here. That he virtually destroyed the Anglo-Catholics in the diocese, cowed the evangelicals, and closed down more parishes than virtually any other bishop has made him a hero in our Father's eyes.

Now it is very important that you allow, yea, even encourage conservative groups like the Anglican Communion Institute and the Communion Partners to weep, wail, and gnash their collective teeth against The Episcopal Church and its leaders; they need a place to vent. But we both know they were neutered by our Father long ago and made powerless to effectively change anything. As long as they remain institutionalists, they belong to us. Tennessee Bishop John Bauerschmidt is a perfect example of roll over. He's a CP bishop we were told, but as soon as he was faced with a church - St. Andrews, Nashville - leaving TEC, he behaved like Attila the Hun. He acted as his New York ecclesiastical mistress expected and sued and won the property. He then said there are no plans to hold Sunday services there. Make sure it is sold to an Islamic group, Wormwood. Shove it in their faces. Our Father laughs at their pathetic compromises. It never ceases to awe him how easy it is for them to roll over.

They are so far from NT Christianity it amazes Him and the High Council. We give constant praise to our Father who makes sure they never go to Nigeria or Uganda to see what authentic Christianity really looks like as they might be shamed into acting and believing differently. Make sure the Boko Haran keep killing Christians in Northern Nigeria. TEC bishops won't go near the place. They have nothing to die for and they certainly wouldn't lay down their lives for their Anglican brothers.

Make sure they never compromise, Wormwood. Make sure words like "generous orthodoxy", inclusivity, and diversity are buzzwords embedded in their brains till death do them part. Make sure the constant whine of pansexualists yelling "justice" and "rights" is constantly in the forefront of liberal and moderate bishops thinking; morality be damned. Make sure the constant shrill cry of lesbians like [the Rev.] Susan Russell is heard in all their ears and they feel her pain. We don't want a repeat of South Carolina.

In the end, they will all be ours, Wormwood. All ours.

Our Father hails your efforts Wormwood, but we must never forget that the other side has huge resources at its disposal. Keep undermining them. Your reward and a senior place in our father's kingdom are assured. Retirement is out of the question.

I remain your affectionate uncle,


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