SALT LAKE CITY, UT: First Episcopal Black Presiding Bishop Launches IPO to Celebrate Gay Marriage Passage
A Satirical Essay
By David W. Virtue in Salt Lake City
June 29, 2015
The Episcopal Church today elected its first ever Black Presiding Bishop amidst joyful proclamations that the Supreme Court had approved same sex marriage. The Episcopal Church followed suit by changing its canons and constitution to fit the cultural moment with liturgies and rites for same sex persons to marry in any of its 6,700 churches.
"I am thrilled to be leading a church in decline," said Presiding Bishop-elect Michael Curry in his first pronouncement to General Convention. He added that he had been approached by a leading brokerage firm to form an IPO to help jump-start the Church in the 21st century.
"Our brokers have assured us that with our special doctrines of inclusion and perversity the IPO of 50 million shares will sell out in no time at all." The new presiding bishop suddenly broke out with "What a friend we have in Jesus" but few bishops seemed to know the words and were observed mumbling or staring blankly at the walls of the salt palace.
By mid-morning there were no buyers. Several firms looked at the books and decided that with every diocese in decline and more than $40 million spent on lawsuits, there was simply no traction for buyers.
One Institutional firm said they had gotten a call from someone named Gene Robinson who placed an order for 50 shares but shorted the stock just in case it was a non-starter. "He wasn't going long on the stock just in case the damage he caused in 2003 with his consecration followed by the departure of 200,000 Episcopalians might cause the IPO to crash and burn."
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