College of Bishops Announces Scorched Earth Policy Against Orthodox Priests

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue
www.virtueonline.org
6/5/2007

NEWS ITEM: "The College for Bishops announced recently a formational coaching program developed for new bishops during the early years of their new ministry. The three-year program would provide resources, support and leadership development and is based on feedback from the recently concluded New Bishops Research Project. The New Bishops Research Project was designed to identify and develop the unique set of skills bishops need in order to transition into their new position, articulate their vision and effectively lead their dioceses," ---the Rt. Rev. F. Clayton Matthews, bishop of the Office of Pastoral Development for the Episcopal Church.

My name is Clayton Matthews, but you can call me Clay (no reference to my feet), and I want to welcome you all here today as you begin your program on how to be a bishop. Some of you I see are well into your fifties, but I see we have the new baby bishop of Northwestern PA, a mere 32, who's still learning how to use Occam's razor. Please be careful, Bishop Rowe, when you shave each morning. Make sure you're not entertaining thoughts about Bishop Bob Duncan as you shave, as you might do yourself harm. Also, make sure, all of you, that you are not reading Galatians Chapter 1 over breakfast; that little bit about "another gospel" might cause you to choke on your Wheaties.

This is a glorious time to be an Episcopal bishop. Never have things looked rosier. Spring has sprung and the dioceses are in full bloom. Why, just the other day I was talking to Bishop Charles E. Bennison of Pennsylvania who faces civil charges for fraud as well as presentment charges for financially mishandling his diocese. He tells me things couldn't be better. While he told me they may have to turn the lights off temporarily and pay no salaries for a few months during the summer because only a handful of his priests give him money, he was full of smiles as he told me of plans to sell space around the cathedral for a high rise. The zillions he plans to make will allow him to spend millions of dollars on purchasing a church camp in Maryland, reprint his Visigoth Rite and send endless back issues of Episcopal Life to all in the diocese. Last year, he was forced to cancel subscriptions due to a shortage of funds.

Oh the genius of this man! He even got the Most Rev. Katharine Jefferts Schori, our fearless, much beloved feminist leader to get all the sex stuff about how he covered up his brothers' sexual abuse of a minor expunged from Wikipedia. Let me tell you class, you have to have a real knack and, dare I say, balls (much laughter) to do that. And let me tell you when our beloved, fearless leader dresses up in a Gucci suit some of us think she actually has them! (Laughter)

Our first lesson today is how to deal with fleeing priests and parishes...that small minority of nasty, intolerant, arrogant, irrational, abhorrent, exclusionary, narrow-minded, Neo-Puritan, fascist, fundamentalist, totalitarian, extremist, bigots who are, without question, un-Anglican.

I have invited a panel of bishops to join us. They are old hands at this kind of thing.

Would you please welcome Bishop J. Jon Bruno of Los Angeles, Bishop Andrew "Drew" Smith of Connecticut and Bishop Samuel Johnson Howard of Florida, and of course the prince of purge himself, Charles E. Bennison. (Much applause)

Bishop Bruno, would you please start by telling us your experience in handling parishes and priests who want to leave our beloved inclusive church.

Bishop Bruno: Thank you, Clay. In Los Angeles, the City of Angels, where the sun never sets, the beaches glimmer and the wine is so fine and Arnold Schwarzenegger reigns, it has been my privilege to learn from the master himself, Arnie "I'll be back" terminator. He taught me all I know about how to deal with these fundamentalist types. In a word, terminate them.

Clay: Er, bishop you haven't been too successful so far, as you seem to be losing in the courts, the properties are still with their priests.

Bruno: Short term thinking, Clay. We will sue them and sue them and sue them all the way to the Supreme Court if we have too until we win. We will make sure the Dennis Canon works here as it has worked everywhere else. It is still early in the battle. They don't call me the terminating bishop for nothing. I've got the cojones and not a day goes by when I don't think and pray to our beloved Lord about how I will get them back. I've even been talking to Tony Soprano and Al Pacino for some ideas. Ya get my drift?

Clay: We sure do Jon. Now tell us, Bishop Smith, how have you been handling things in Connecticut?

Smith: It's been a win-win for me in the courts, in the church (a presentment was thrown out) and with the one property we have taken back, St. John's Bristol, Clay. You gotta do it fast and in the dead of night. You send in a squad of goons.... I mean guards to surround the place, then break down the doors, rip out the computer, personal or otherwise, fire the priest, and send in a woman priest the next Sunday. Speed is the name of the game, Clay. Strike hard and fast.

Clay: Isn't that a bit heavy-handed, Drew?

Smith: Hell no, Clay, you gotta show them who's boss. There must be no sign of weakness, none. You gotta send a signal to anyone who thinks they can play fast and loose with church property. The name of the game is intimidation, Clay. I've got six other parishes waiting in the wings and I want them to see what happens when they disobey me and challenge my right to run the diocese the way I want. Ya noticed they haven't said much lately. They are laying low, no use pissing me off. I've got them just where I want them.

Clay: But hasn't another parish just announced theyare leaving to go with those homophobic Nigerians?

Smith: Yeah, just got word this week. Poor old Helmandollar over at Trinity in Bristol said he is leaving and taking his people and property with him. Poor sod he will now feel my wrath. I've renamed him "helman-shorta-dollar" (much laughter). He's toast. Watch me.

Clay: Bishop Howard, you have been very successful in getting rid of priests but retaining properties. Could you tell us your story?

Howard: Thanks, Clay. Let me say first to all you new bishops, remember you have the power and the Dennis Canon behind you. You are the boss, you are princes of the church and you can screw anybody over that you want. You also have tremendous resources and expertise in lawyers like David Booth Beers upon which to draw. The national church will cooperate with you all the way down the line. 815 loves you, they embrace you in your endeavors to rid yourselves of these horrible fundamentalist types. Their lawyers and my fellow bishops are here for you in your hour of need.

The truth is I haven't really lost any parishes at all. Oh sure, I've lost a few priests and parishioners, but at the end of the day we have kept most if not all the properties, put in new vicars and priests and carried on. In time we will make up for the people we have lost by preaching our new gospel of inclusion and sodomy for all. Think long term; think about future generations of Episcopalians who will come beating down our doors after Sept 30., when we get our marching orders to leave the Anglican Communion. We'll all be singing "Free at last, Lord, free at last." We will then be able to build on new foundations being put into place by Jack Spong and Gene Robinson as we speak. It will be a whole new day, a whole new diocese a WHOLE NEW CHURCH... (Bishops' rise and cheer with prolonged applause).

Clay: Would someone hand the bishop a box of Kleenex? Thank you. Now my friends, you have been hearing a lot lately about the decline of the Episcopal Church. Don't believe it. We are only experiencing what most major Protestant denominations are experiencing as they go through a sort of change of life, a mid life denominational crisis, if you will. It is temporary. We will soon see a new generation coming back to the church, mark my words, and with our new fangled doctrine of Inclusivity the possibilities for growth are endless.

But there is one secret I want to share with you to keep the geriatric generation from leaving and it is this; build a columbarium and they will stay (and die). None of the over 70 crowd wants to die without the blessings of the church. They will even pay for it. If you need money, just call the national church. We will open up a trust fund or two to help you. Grant money is available. God bless you in your endeavors.

In the name of the father, the son and Sufi the Rumi, let us all rise and do the Circle Dance of Dispossession taught to us by our former much beloved Presiding Bishop, Frank T. Griswold.

END