BUDDHIST PRIEST ELECTED EPISCOPAL BISHOP

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue

I want to welcome you all today to the national headquarters of The Episcopal Church USA here in New York City. This is a very special day for me as Presiding Bishop because I want to make a formal announcement to the whole church that my new and dearest friend Premda Puckha, whom I met while getting a massage in Bangkok recently, and who incorporates in his very person many of the finest characteristics and new discoveries in the Episcopal Church, has agreed to become a bishop in our beloved Episcopal Church.

Because he does not have a diocese of his own, he will be consecrated at the cathedral church of St. John the Divine in NYC with the permission of Bishop Mark Sisk. I am grateful for his approval.

On this never to be remembered occasion the ceremony will include the world's largest tam-tam gong, seven feet in diameter, which ascends, played by a musician in a bosun's chair, up toward the Cathedral Nave's 100-foot-high ceiling. A "Moon Gong"--a giant Chinese wind gong with shimmering sound-- will move, with the bishop, horizontally across the Narthex of the Cathedral. The service will also include a giant, rotating "Tree of Sounds," a 28-foot-tall spiral sculpture laden with bells, gongs and chimes."

The consecration will celebrate the triumph of ecumenical, intercontinental ballistic inclusivity.

We believe the Puckha's consecration is in keeping with the Episcopal Church's highest understanding of inclusivity and diversity. As you know we have been slowly moving towards 'open communion' thanks largely to the push by the Via Media organization, because the less you believe the more widely the door needs to be opened. I am glad to say that I think we have finally managed to take the door right off the hinges.

This wonderful Tibetan Monk, who as you can see is dressed in fine saffron (orange) robes, has agreed to let us dye it purple when he becomes a bishop. He feels very strongly that this is in keeping with the inclusivity we have both found as we travel on the pathway of enlightenment together.

Puckha will also bring a new standard of karma to the church which has hitherto been missing.

As you know we have been preoccupied with sexuality issues for the past 40 years because the orthophobes in the church wouldn't accept the pansexual enlightenment that was slowly falling from the sky and they were just not willing to see or enter into blessed and deep 'conversation.' He will also round out some of the exploratory issues of Wiccan rites and Druid services that some of our clergy have been experimenting with.

Premda Puckha will help us all to see the new light and give us all a better understanding of what it means to transcend and go to that 'higher place' before we go to the 'deeper place' bringing as he does his own brand of tantric sexual enlightenment to the Episcopal bed that I am sure many of you will enjoy.

Of course some of our bishops will have to lose a little weight if you want to get with the program, but I am sure when Puckha shows you some of the positions (and they are not necessarily theological), losing those 50 pounds will take you all to new heights of bliss.

Because Bishop Puckha comes with multiple karma capabilities he will become my very own Canon to the Unnatural complete with his own Transvestry. Moments of Zen combining unnatural sexual practices will be held right after the Daily Office at 815. Any passing Episcopalian can come right on in and join the fray. Please bring your own condom. Jon Stewart of The Daily Show says he might do a special right out of 815. Personally I can't wait.

Now I am sure many of you are asking why at this historic moment when the Episcopal Church is in danger of imploding and 22 Primates are out of communion with me and the Roman Catholics and Russian Orthodox won't even speak to me, why it is we are doing this at this moment of enlightenment? Well I will tell you.

The Whip Me Report, put together by a theologically innovative and courageous mix of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals, some transvestites, shemales and the odd bestiality lover, is a milestone in the life of our church. It was overwhelmingly approved of by our House of Bee-yatches and I have to tell you that Phoebe and I have been smarting and tingling ever since.

Our only 'regret' is the limits of pain we can take, but Premda Puckha is helping Phoebe and me reach the next level of Karma (the Sutra) which he says might be very close to the plain where Sufi the Rumi dwelleth, which of course is our ultimate goal.

All in one, one in all, embracing all, as all is embraced by the id, ego and superego at the same time. It is a monumental undertaking that god in her infinite wisdom is leading us all too. But I am convinced that this is the future path of the Episcopal Church and we must be courageous in exploring it and seeing where it leads.

I am convinced as your primate that as we embrace the 'other' we embrace ourselves, we become gods even as we are absorbed by god and become one with her. It is not easy I grant you, and I have been known to get lost occasionally in the spiritual wilderness I have been creating for the church, but Bishop Puckha says he can attain it and will bring us all along for the ride. God I can't wait.

Are there any questions?

Yes Mr. Virtue.

When do you think we will all hit Nirvana Bishop Griswold?

Good question and I am still working on that. The train has left the station and we are expanding the stations (of the cross) as the train moves forward into an uncertain future, but I know that whatever is out there will be keeping an eye on us as we hurtle towards the unknown, embracing the 'other' as we go. As you know I am working to incorporate Charles Bennison's Visigoth Rite into the ancient order of Seers and Soothsayers and I am happy to inform you that it will shortly be included in the Lesser Feasts and Fasts as part of the new 2006 Prayer Book.

What is the view of the Archbishop of Canterbury in all this?

Good question. He believes we should pursue this as long as we all drink gallons of green herbal tea and substitute regular wine with plonk without tannin. As you know our eco-Archbishop is committed to a pollution free future for the planet which is in keeping with Bishop Puckha's Buddhist concept of the environment and my own.

And how do you think the orthodox will respond to this consecration of a Buddhist in the Episcopal Church Bishop Griswold?

You mean there are still some left? Spong, SPONG!

END