Truth and consensus are the last things on liberal and revisionist minds, but "listening"-- that much ballyhooed word made famous by Frank T. Griswold (former TEC Presiding Bishop) -- is the seduction word of the rich, especially Trinity Wall Street Church, the richest church in the world - a church that owns more than 200 aces of land on Manhattan Island. If they had their way Jesus would wear a $2,000 Neiman Marcus suit and eat at the 21 Club, anything less might have him classified as a street person with zero class, eating leftovers from Zabars deli.

Trinity Wall Street Church is like a pimp in an ecclesiastical whorehouse. The church is simpatico with the Episcopal Church's agenda, and will bank roll whoever will "listen" to the cries of TEC's pansexual agenda and agree with it.

So choose a neutral country (Spain is perfect) with a fancy hotel, invite as many bishops as will come, mix generously (black and white), add ice if the temperatures are over 80, stir vigorously with money, "listen" -- there's that word again, stir some more and pour into a container of inclusivity. Pretend you really care what the Africans think about mission (the truth is you don't give a damn) but pretend anyway, appear desperately concerned for the Anglican Communion, pay the bills, make sure they (the Africans) will agree to come to Lambeth next year (Trinity will pay if they can't) but under no circumstances allow them to have an alternative Lambeth. That might be the kiss of death - the death of the Communion and that is unacceptable to the financial power brokers in New York.

Say you think that the Covenant currently floating around the communion is what we can all agree upon and that it will solve all our problems even though you know it won't. It is designed never to reach a conclusion that we could actually all agree upon. Feed them the line anyway. If they show any skepticism, say that Trinity Wall Street will fund a world-class debate on hermeneutics, which means you have your understanding of Scripture, and I have mine, but no matter, even if we disagree we will stay together. Smile a lot. That's important. Offer to write checks to make it possible for all the African theologians to attend a hermeneutics conference. No expense should be spared.

The most important thing is unity; unity at any price, unity at whatever cost, unity even if it means lifting the Law of Non-Contradiction, unity at the expense of truth, unity, unity, UNITY. Preach it brother.

If all else fails bolster friendships between African and American dioceses and push the idea of "companion" dioceses. By doing this it is hoped that all the anger towards Gene Robinson and Michael Ingham will dissipate. Furthermore make sure the American side of "companion" offers pots of money to keep the Africans at the table. That's the goal. Under no circumstances must the Africans be allowed to leave empty-handed. Do anything to keep them there. Bribe them with paella dinners (out do the chicken dinners allegedly offered by cheap conservatives at Lambeth in 1998), keep them talking, talking and up the ante, if necessary, with cheap Gallo wine. If they don't drink alcohol, and most don't, offer to educate a dozen of their priests free of charge at Virginia Theological Seminary or the Episcopal Divinity School in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where they can be seduced into the new Episcopal thinking which they can then take back to Africa and indoctrinate others. Brilliant move.

For all of this to work, make sure the media is NOT invited. They might blow the liberal cover by telling the truth that no one can agree on anything. Far be it for the media to learn that a couple of African Primates were asking awkward questions about why 700 Episcopalians a week are walking away from the TEC over Robinson's consecration and the failure of the church to uphold Jesus as the only way to salvation. They also might ask questions about massive litigation running into the tens of millions of dollars, money that could be better spent on MDG's!!!

Then make sure that no official statements come out of the meeting because that would dissipate the aura of camaraderie. Instead have lots of time for conversation, including meals, siestas, and "marketplace" encounters.

In the words of Dr. Johnson, "It is a great opportunity to have time to talk to African bishops who it would take me many months to go to. To have them all at the same consultation, with enough time to sit and have conversations, is an absolute gift."

Of course it is a gift, because for people like Johnson, a liberal, it gives her a first hand opportunity to offer her views of an inclusive Canadian Anglican church to Africans, many of whom have never seen the inside of $250.00 dollar a day hotel suite with real silverware at every meal and a Spanish maid to turn down the sheets.

Have workshops on reconciliation but steer clear of mission, according to Matthew 28, and the Great Commission, especially evangelism that calls for converting people to Jesus. That's way too narrow and uninclusive. Deal with "hot topic" issues like millennium development goals, HIV/AIDS, women's empowerment, and the same-sex issue dividing the Anglican Communion. Play down the latter as a Western thing and don't let it dominate all the time. Focus on MDG's. Everyone can agree they are good. Organize the bishops' sessions around topics of their choice, but make sure they do not talk about how their dioceses are growing with massive evangelistic outreach or why American and Canadian dioceses are slowly withering and dying. Americans and Canadians don't believe in Biblical evangelism. They are totally embarrassed about any talk of conversion as it violates their understanding of inclusivity and diversity. Talk about God loving absolutely everybody and smile a lot. If Africans start talking about how millions are coming to Christ in Africa, listen politely, nod in agreement, and when it becomes a bit too embarrassing with all the talk of conversion, divert their attention by suggesting a coffee break.

Over coffee, gain the upper hand by talking about "hope," and add that, "now is the time to begin exploring alternative ways of relating." That's a lot of malarkey of course, but it sounds good. The Africans won't know what the hell you are talking about, but smile a lot and praise them for their "enthusiasm" and say that the "conversations" were very "uplifting." Praise the hell out of them, appear to agree with them and then have another coffee break. Keep the pressure steady but low.

Find a token African (Ugandan) living say in Toronto who has already been seduced by the New Think and bring him along so he can "assist in the cross-cultural conversations" with Canadian bishops like Bishop Philip Poole who hasn't figured out that all have sinned, all have come short, all need redemption and that Christ's death on the cross was absolutely necessary for our salvation. Funny thing about that story, it's the same in any culture or language and demands the same response! The Ugandan can try Pigeon English on the Canadian bishop and if that doesn't work he can get a group of Ugandans to re-enact how a group of young Christian men refused to bow before a sodomite king, refused to renounce their faith and got slaughtered for doing so. Great theater possibilities here. But it could backfire. The Canadians and Americans will wince perhaps even shed a tear as they watch it, but that's what you get for being "cross-cultural."

When things start looking very grim, have a group of Canadians apologize for their diminished presence in Africa. When the Africans ask for more assistance, step in with Trinity's check book. Presto! All is right.

Whatever you do, don't let the Canadians explain the REAL reason for their "diminished presence" in Africa is because they have no gospel to proclaim and that the Anglican Church in Canada is sinking faster than the Canadian Navy (which has one gunboat run by two French Canadians who have never loaded a 50-caliber in their lives. Viva la Quebec!). The Africans might also want to ask an embarrassing question or two about the Native American $25 million residential school scandal that definitely had racial overtones.

Finally, when Ms. Johnson explains to African bishops that the Canadian church has fewer staff, that the church cannot help as much as before, and that a similar meeting of African and Canadian companion dioceses is unlikely because the Canadian church cannot pay for it, have Trinity step in with an open check book and make it all possible. Ah, the smell of money.

If money is not available say "shared issues are like climate changes that can bring dioceses together anyway." Keep blowing smoke.

The most important thing is for everyone to go away happy and that no one steals the hotel's silverware.

Remember "mission" means never having to say you're sorry and never having to repent because that would ruin all the nice camaraderie that has been built up at Trinity's expense.

And that's how you keep the Anglican Communion together.

END