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Episcopal Church Weighs Ban on Straight White Males

Episcopal Church Weighs Ban on Straight White Males

A satirical essay

By David W. Virtue
July 13, 2013

Episcopal Church gays and lesbians are weighing a resolution to be put forward at the next General Convention making it illegal for straight white males to be admitted to the priesthood.

LA Bishop Mary Glasspool, an avowed lesbian and one of many lesbians and gays supporting the "no white males resolution", crafted her resolution after hearing a straight white male preaching a sermon condemning homosexual behavior last month.

"I was shocked, stunned, blown away and mortified. I have never heard such homophobia coming from a pulpit. That was my moment to say enough is enough.

"This comes down to a choice between misogynistic white males versus gays and lesbians in an ever shrinking church and LGBTQI folk who insist they should be able to get laid by whomever, whenever because G-d loves them just the way they are, and we choose justice, inclusion and integrity."

Bishop Glasspool said she has the support of bishops like Gene Robinson, Otis Charles, Frank Griswold, clergy like Susan Russell and pedophiles and sexual abusers like Bede Parry and many more gays who have yet to come out of the closet. She said the resolution would keep out men who only had a penile interest in women, hate-mongers, homophobes, and other gay hating types. She said she was deeply moved by the late Ronald Haines Bishop of Washington who unofficially adopted that policy when he was bishop there. It worked so well the diocese is now being largely sustained financially by the Soper Fund.

"Straight white males are only good for breeding future gays if we can screw up the family relationships early enough in their lives, but we do not want them preaching, running churches, and definitely not bishop material, it's an insult to our dignity and integrity," opined Glasspool.

But a straight white bishop, the Rt. Rev. Gregory Brewer (CF), believes that the total ban on straight white males goes "too far". He is proposing a less draconian resolution that would allow some white men who love women to remain in the Episcopal Church as associate rectors and vicars.

Glasspool concurred. "The Episcopal Church needs white males to clean up the refreshments in the kitchen on Sunday morning after the service is over. Men can clean the pews and the elements and lick plates in case the water is turned off because of an unpaid water bill," said Glasspool, noting that a large number of churches bordered on extinction owing to the collapse of heterosexual marriages.

"If they show that they can do those things and stay out of church politics, there might just be a pathway to ordination if they behave themselves and subject themselves to women priests some of whom have strong sado-masochistic tendencies."

FOOTNOTE: Note: The Diocese of Washington had in place an unstated prohibition on sponsoring straight white males into the priesthood back in the 1990s. So, even though this is satire, it captures the real thinking of the Extreme Anti-Christian Left, who run the Episcopal Church -- which today is just a front organization for the latest Left Wing hobby horses. -- Robert England

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